Dedication to Erick Djerf, 1963-2010

Facebook Note of 9:20p.m., 31July2013
"better to have lost in love,
than never to have loved at all",
 it is said...
but it is also terribly cruel.
 I cannot
(and don't think I want to)
get over the loss of an ex,
not the way that he passed.
He was afraid,
and endured pain
for God knows how many years
- Still he loved God,
 his life,
 all his friends...
he'd been a great jazz musician,
artist and art teacher.

Maybe having watched
those Twighlight Zone movies was a sign?
Meh!
We loved watching
good old-fashioned sci-fi.
How we'd met was spontaneous,
out of an open mic during Mardi Gras 2008.
He asked me out,
picked me up from a drawing class
out of an underground ronchy venue
in Downtown.
We'd spent two weeks together
and learned a lot about each other...

He'd written before he left this realm,
I treated him as if I would maybe
get to talk to him again...

Today, I saw his name tagged,
 and thought I would tell him 'hello'....

 The pain of this mourning
is gradually seeping.
It is okay.
He didn't deserve to suffer
his bipolar pains.
He deserves to rest in peace.
He passed 3 years ago,
and I just found out today.
It's the first time
I lose someone this close,
I have to devote some more work
in his honor.

Facebook Note of 5:30p.m. & My Last Letter to Erick - 31July2013

You are not an abandoned soul
out in the middle of the desert...
You were never that monster
you were afraid to become...
You were my muse,
My Life,
My Love,
and My Everything...
you were supposed to remain,
annoyingly adorable ex...
... We'd watched our films
of Sci-Fi
in Black & White...
I giggled about your cat,
begging us for breakfast.
We were neighbors,
and delicious lovers.

For you, in those two weeks we were together,
I wrote:

 "Arms embracing like arboles branches
reaching for the sol

 Skin glistening like the luna
reflecting off the ojas

 Kisses pecking like striped bumbles
hopping upon petalos

 Bodies in rhythm like avejas
drinking sweet nectar

 Lluvia from the sky
falling into the tierra

 absorbing sacredly."

 -- Praying With My Love, 2008

(although I read it to you one night,

you may have or never have heard it...

but people have been enjoying it)

 ... we went to church one time.

two years later you had written to apologize.

That monster within had torn us apart.

Your spirit shall always be cherished.

Erick Djerf, you are a beautiful soul
wherever & whenever you may be.

Love, Karla Lopez

 

*The story of his passing.

How do you see that child?

just kindly sharing, and although we don't know each other... careful what you wish upon a child (your own or not)
I was a happy skinny little girl. ate well, slept well... my dad used to keep picking on me about my size. and as I kept growing more healthy... and things in the family would slowly go downward... being a healthier size, and now showing so much bones then turned into being picked on for not being so skinny. It was awkward. by the age of 10, problems in the family had already kick started my depression. so to the point that subconsciously the eating habits were no longer on that happy healthy level. Fast forward to 1997, as I joined the Armed Forces - I barely made it in weighing just 4 lbs over my maximum weight. Stress made me gain weight, surgeries made me retain many fluids. I ballooned from a moderate 175 lbs to 215 lbs. Little by little after I fulfilled my contract, honorably discharged - My body took on it's natural form. Let's call it a rebirth. I'm over all the things I went through in my 20's. Going into my 30's I'm blessed, working whenever scheduled as a model in art classes. Despite all the comments people/society continuously makes towards one another about the way they look. It's not about your intentions or wishes. Instead, if you will, please consider your tendencies of thinking & speaking & writing.
"All she needs is a little more meat on her bones", was repeated to me... I would have been a different kind of model, or even better - would have been able to work more time in the Military. Had that phrase Never been said to me.
I live a happier life because I choose to. Not because anyone else wished it for me.
- See yourself and others well.